For many mums bonding with their newborn baby comes easily and feels like the most natural thing in the world. Sadly for many more mums, and dads, this is not the case at all.

We are delighted to be sharing this guest post from Susanne Remic, creater of the ghostwritermummy blog and co founder of maternitymatters.net.  After a traumatic birth, Susanne had difficulty bonding with her son in the early months and  says:

I would love to write an article about my experiences, with a focus on allowing yourself time to get to know your baby and to fall in love; something I took for granted would happen immediately.

We’ve all read the books, seen the movies and listened to the gushing first-hand accounts that new parents can’t wait to share with you: stories of falling in love with a crumpled up, screaming baby and overwhelming feelings of pure adoration from the very minute of they’re born. But where are the tales of the struggles some parents face to fall in love with their newborns? Why don’t people tell tales of feeling a little overwhelmed for reasons other than worshiping the small person that has come into their lives?

Bonding with your new baby doesn’t always come naturally and there can be many reasons why. For me, a traumatic birth hindered my ability to love my son straight away and in many ways the shame and guilt that I felt as a result did very little to smooth things over.

My son was delivered in December 2009 via emergency c-section, after a fraught labour and whilst I was under general anaesthetic. The first thing that the staff did when I came round, was to hand him to me and instruct me to feed him straight away (once I had signed the form which consented to them slicing my body open). At the time, I felt incredulous. I had just woken up, could barely see straight and had no feeling in my entire body apart from an insane itching. I had an oxygen mask over my face which prevented me from speaking and they had just ripped a tube from my throat. My husband was by my side, white with shock and understandably unable to comprehend what had happened. I had entered the theatre thinking that my baby was dead and now they were handing me another baby to feed and to love. I just couldn’t.

For days, I was in complete shock that my son’s birth had turned out this way. My thoughts swung from disbelieving he was my baby, to feeling I had been cheated and then to feeling so guilty that I didn’t love him properly. The biggest hurdle emotionally was accepting that he was different to my daughter. She had also been born via emergency section and so I felt that as I had fallen in love with her straight away, there was now something wrong with me for not feeling the same this time.

I now know that there were many reasons why my son’s birth was so traumatic for me and why it affected the way that I bonded with him. The day we returned from the hospital will forever be etched on my mind for the tears I shed when we stepped into his bedroom for the first time. I honestly thought I would be bringing a different baby home and I almost said those words out loud.

When my son was a few weeks old he smiled at me for the first time. It was during a night feed, when we were all alone and at a time when I had begun to fantasise about running away and leaving it all behind. In that instant, something sparked between my son and I and we began to learn all about each other. When he was eight months old, I finally admitted to my GP how I was feeling and discovered that I was not alone in struggling to bond with my baby. I realised that not all mums fall in love straight away and that sometimes it takes a little longer. Sometimes, a stressful birth, colic or finding it difficult to adjust to the new dynamics in the house can all contribute towards the bond taking a little longer to form. Unfortunately, we had all three!

If I could go back and talk to myself then, there is so much I would say. Firstly, the ‘old me’ should’ve taken some time to talk about her feelings and to understand what had happened in the hospital. She should’ve rested. She should’ve accepted help when it was offered and not when she was at breaking point. She should’ve accepted that not all births are the same, all babies are different and loving one more quickly doesn’t mean you love them more.

Today, my son is seventeen months old and we are very close. I chose to return to work part time and I think that those first few months had a lot to do with that decision. I don’t know when I will feel I have made it up to him; perhaps I will spend the rest of my life doing that. The important thing is that we are here now, together: mother and son.

You may find these pages helpful if you have been affected by any of the issues discussed in Susanne’s article:

http://www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/publications/bonding_with_baby.pdf

http://www.nhs.uk/news/2008/09September/Pages/Bondingafterbirth.aspx

 Did you bond straight away with your newborn? How did you cope? What help and support did you receive?  Please come and leave a comment for Susanne, and share your bonding experience and advice with the BornFree Mum & Dad community.

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