Here’s our Parent Panel dad Tim, from the Bringing Up Charlie blog with an amusing look at toddler groups and what you can expect, as a parent, when you get there.

Going to toddler groups. It’s not easy!

 Just finding one can be hard enough at times. But when you’ve found one, well… you have to go, don’t you? That’s the point. So you get up nice and early, have a little tussle with yourself about what best to wear, have an even bigger tussle with your toddler (does the I’m a little Monster t-shirt really give the right impression?) get set to go and step outside the door when,

‘mum (or dad, in my case)…’

‘Yes, dear?’

‘Mum!’

‘What is it darling?’

‘Mummeeeee….’

(Through gritted teeth this time): ‘Yes, dear – what’s the matter?’

At this point any one of: ‘I’ve wet myself/I need a poo-poo/I don’t want to go /I feel sick, and a thousand other doorstep delaying tactics will ensue. And each will have the same effect. You’re going to be late. You’re going to arrive when all the other mums (and dads, perhaps?) have got there, got their cups of coffee and are sitting in their favourite chairs while their angelic children play together. Nicely. You know – sharing toys. Not hitting each other. And certainly not crying.

It’s at this point that many mums (and dads – I’ve been there too) give up. ‘We’ll try again tomorrow’ we’re thinking, when the weather will be better, when my hair won’t look like last week’s washing and that top I’d really like to wear will not need ironing.

For some, I suspect (in the immortal words of Ian Fleming) tomorrow never comes. After all, it can be daunting. You know that ‘first day at school’ feeling? Well, that. Why go there at all? It’s not compulsory after all. Well, no. And it doesn’t have to be quite as frightening for the newbie either. Worried about your first time? Anxious about attending? Here are a few simple do’s and don’ts to make your first time as pleasant as possible.

Rule number one: watch where you sit. Of course, no-one will mind if you sit in ‘their’ chair, but people have their favourite areas. And when their friends arrive they’ll surround you, having conversations across your lap. Keeping up with what they’re saying will be like spectating on the Centre Court at Wimbledon.

Rule two: other people’s children. Generally, avoid. It’s not easy, I know. They’ll come up and offer you half-masticated biscuits. Worse, they’ll pick their nose and expect you to do something about it. (After all, their mum’ll be too busy nattering across your lap to notice). But worse, far worse than all of these is the dreaded reprimand. Basically, whatever happens – blame your little darling. Reprimanding someone else’s child is a total no-go area. The UN have been known to get involved.

Rule three: striking up a conversation. Meeting other mums at toddler group is a bit like meeting royalty. And the same rules seem to apply. You can cause a major diplomatic incident by initiating conversations with another mum. Wait until they speak to you. But don’t call them ‘Ma’am’. Or ‘Your Majesty’. Even if they act like they are.

And that’s it. Easy, when you know how. You’ll have a ball, once you’ve been there about six months, sat in everyone else’s chair, had bogeys wiped on your trousers and given up trying to have a conversation with anyone in favour of sending multiple texts to yourself on your new best friend – your smartphone.

Have fun!

What have your experiences been of baby and toddler groups? Share in a comment here and we’ll choose one person to receive a BornFree Silicone Teether.

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