Here’s Ben Wakeling with his top 5 list of  things kids do to make us cringe…

I tend not to get embarrassed easily, despite my father’s best attempts at making me cringe when I was a kid. I wasn’t embarrassed when I conducted a whole interview and afterwards realised that my fly was wide open the whole time and I was wearing boxers with missing buttons. I wasn’t even embarrassed when the midwives laughed at me for inadvertently smearing baby poo all over my face (it was the first time I’d held my son and he’d squirted all over my arm without me realising).

But since becoming a father, I find myself slapping my face with my palm at least once or twice a day. You can guarantee that either of my two boys (Isaac, 4, and Noah, 16 months) will do something to make me cringe. And, chances are, it’ll fall into one or more of these five categories.

Tantrums

Probably the number one method by which a child manages to make his or her parent wish that the ground would open and swallow them whole. Tantrums can happen anywhere, at any time, without any warning whatsoever. Whether it’s screaming in the frozen foods aisle of Sainsbury’s, or kicking the ground because you’ve told him it’s home time, tantrums are a sure-fire way of embarrassing you in front of a lot of people.

Passing Wind

Sometimes more funny than embarrassing, but you can guarantee that there are a number of instances in which your child dropping a rather loud toffee can give you a bad case of the blushes. In a doctor’s waiting room, for example. At the dinner table with your grandparents, perhaps. Or maybe in a public toilet, where innocent bystanders going about their business have to put up with your child farting, followed by ‘Daddy! I did a loud stinky like YOU!’

Noticing Other People

Isaac is very much at that stage where he is noticing that people are different: especially those who are disabled, or obese, or perhaps have dodgy fashion sense. And he’s not afraid to ask questions, often in a very loud voice accompanied by a pointed finger directed at the person in question, who by this point is feeling very uncomfortable indeed. The other day we were walking down the street when Isaac noticed a midget walking towards us. He inhaled deeply, and said ‘Daddy…’ Cringe.

Repeating Stuff You’ve Said

Kids are shifty folk. They might look like they’re not listening to you when you’re complaining about your next door neighbour, or your inlaws, but they are. And they have a humiliating tendency to repeat what they’ve heard to that person. The sentence ‘Grandma, Daddy says you’re…’ is never bound to end well.

Fighting Other Children

As many fathers of boys will testify, there’s a part of you that secretly hopes that your kid will be good at fighting. Forget a slap in the face followed by a sulky pout: if my child is having an argument with another child I want Rocky-style uppercuts.

Of course, I don’t advocate violence, and am swift to tell Isaac off on the odd occasion that he deems it necessary to thwack another kid in the face. But not least because I’m so incredibly embarrassed, due to the fact that the other child – who is now wailing and nursing a sore nose – is clinging onto the thigh of a very angry parent.

What has your child done or said recently that’s made you want the earth to swallow you up? Share here and we’ll send one person a Twist N’Pop Straw Cup

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