Do Valentines Day and romance take on a different meaning after kids? Here’s MultipleMummy with a look at how relationships have to adapt once the children are born.

It’s Valentines (a day I like to treat like a second birthday!) and time for thinking about your other half, what they mean to you and acknowledging all that they do.

I know that I need that one day a year because I am very guilty of making assumptions about the things my other half will do, expecting that he will do them and then taking for granted the things that he does. It is good to have a day that reminds you to be extra especially nice to each other.

Not that my hubby and I are horrible to each other, it is just that with the priorities of family life, sometimes it is easier to put each other as a ‘together unit’ on the backburner. Plus, in all honesty by the time I get to the end of the day I am so shattered that romance is often the last thing on my mind. When three toddlers have mauled you about all day, you really don’t want anyone else touching you. Sometimes it just feels like another demand. Plus the fear of falling pregnant again when you have three under three is enough to make anyone abstain!

Saying that, apart from the pure exhaustion of family life impacting on…well the physical side of things at times (she says blushing) I have found that our children have actually brought us closer together. We have such similar views on how to raise children and on the kind of values we hope them to have, that we are very much together and in sync when it comes to parenting.

I am very fortunate that my hubby is a very hands on family man. He says that he makes a real effort to be this way because there is no way he could do full time childcare like I do, and so he really appreciates my need for five minutes to myself or at least an extra pair of hands.

We love being a family unit and spending our weekend as ‘just us’. I think at times we can be guilty of socially excluding ourselves at weekends, but we feel our time is so precious that we just want to share it together.

But, I began to wonder… considering we had three children very close together, including the twin aspect, our relationship should surely have been put under a lot of pressure? Have we just been lucky or can relationships get better as a result of having children?

I decided to carry out some extensive research-by that I mean I asked the question on Facebook and Twitter and this was the response:

Kathryn from FB said:

“Well with our first we were drifting apart as all my attention went on baby he never slept so ended in our bed and other half slept downstairs so wasn’t too good. We did things different this time and it was much better. X”

L Plate Mummy said:

“It was the other way round for us, first brought us closer together, but second we had a period where we seemed to be drifting. Think the pressure of two got to us a bit. Thankfully we have turned a corner.”

MummyDaddyandMe said:

“Having Mads has tied us together in a way that I never thought possible- It’s amazing knowing we created this little person! Yet it has also hasn’t been all plain sailing-you do argue about the silly things more because of tiredness and money etc!”

@MSEDDollp on Twitter said:

“Positive – sharing the beautiful people we created. Negative- the tiredness and lack of time together.”

Here Comes The Girls (also a twin Mummy) said:

“Hmm… interesting. We’ve had one night out last year when he got promotion. Had both our birthdays and anniversary and not had the time or money to celebrate any of them. Bit sad really. Would love to say not changed but priorities have.”

Emma Ford said:

“Very positive in most respects! Our teamwork (mostly) is quite a thing – there was little need for it before the boys! x”

Carol finds her wings said:

“Children highlighted our differences to a point we couldn’t stay together. Small things became big & discovered we disagree on basics.”

Not such a mixed bag of responses as you would expect and far more positive that I thought! Clearly one of the strong points revealed is that having children adds to general exhaustion, which in turn leads to earlier nights and a shorter temper. Don’t forget that sleep deprivation methods are used as a method of torture and therefore as parents we are under a lot of pressure for a long time. Additionally children increase the monthly outgoings. I know that when we had the twins we were spending £100 month on nappies, £30 month on wipes and another £120 on formula milk! When you are on maternity pay that is a lot to your additional monthly budget! It certainly adds pressure.

However, it does seem that despite these pressures, as long as your views and values as parents are the same you seem to weather the storm. I think this is an incredible achievement and one which we should as couples give ourselves more credit for. Marriage or partnership is something that requires lots of hard work to maintain even when there are just two of you to consider.

So, this Valentines, I say: acknowledge all you have achieved as a couple and even if you are really shattered and snowed under with all things baby, try and think of something nice to do to show you love your partner; a handmade card, a note in their wallet, a homemade cake. It has not got to be a fancy dinner out (by all means go for it if you can, but often by the evening the thought of getting dressed up to go out fills me with dread! – maybe opt for a takeaway) but just enjoy each other and talk. Remember you wanted each other first!

Happy Valentines!

 

Links –

MummyDaddyandMe – http://www.mummydaddyandmemakesthree.co.uk/

Here Comes The Girls – http://1978rebecca.blogspot.com/

L Plate Mummy – http://lplatemummy.wordpress.com/

Carole Finds her wings – http://www.carolefindsherwings.wordpress.com/

 

 

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